Manifestation
by SakuraMinamino
Summary: Captain Kirk has everything. A ship. Admiration. Prestige. He should want for nothing. But to be Captain Kirk, he had to leave a part of himself behind, something that's becoming too easy to do. Kirk is given a charm that is supposed to solve everything, but something is stalking him, in the darkness, getting ever closer. No one believes him until bodies pile up. (Full sum inside)
1. Chapter 1

_**Summary: Captain Kirk has everything. A ship. Admiration. Prestige. With everything he has accomplished, he should want for nothing. But to be Captain Kirk, he had to leave a part of himself behind. If he wants to keep his ship, his friendship with Spock, then the young, restless, rule breaker James has to be put aside. He has to stay in the past. He has to keep his pain,** **self-doubt****, and worries out of sight and mind, for a captain has to be strong. A captain can never show weakness. Because he is the captain first and foremost, before friendship, before relationships.**_

_**When given a charm by a dignitary of a planet, Captain Kirk is promised that it will solve all his problems. But things go wrong. Something is stalking him in the darkness. It wants him. It wants to consume him. A creature that wants nothing but the life and future on the ship. But no one believes him. Not until the bodies begin to pile up, does anyone believe it might ****exist**_**.**_** By then, it's too late to stop it. It has already awakened.**_

_**Also known as "From Darkness to Light" on AO3.**_

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Shore leave was not as it used to be. Back when he was younger, Jim Kirk loved shore leave. The bars, the women, the temporary stress relief from duty. It was a good way to recharge and regain his sense of self. Now, his sense of self was highly tied to his captain persona. Because even off duty, he was still Captain Kirk. He had been woken from sleep, called off shore leave, and forced to leave his other self behind so many times that he was uncomfortable unless he was Captain Kirk.

After the Yorktown incident, he realized space was where he belonged. His fate has always been tied to the stars. He had saved Earth once, stopped several galactic wars, and even saved multiple colonies. Of course, he failed a lot too. Tarsus. Vulcan. Things that weighed on him as much as shaped him into who he was today. He was born in space, lived in space, and he was probably going to die in space.

But being limited to Captain Kirk was a burden of its own, but at the same time, he didn't want to be Jim these days. Because no matter how hard he tried, Jim just was not meant to be happy.

Kirk nursed his drink at the dive bar near his home town in Iowa. Sure, he could have gone to Miami or stayed in San Francisco, but today he was in Riverside for a much more macabre reason than normal shore leave. Today, he was in town for his brother's funeral, having died on Deneva along with his wife Aurelan. Kirk was the one who had found his brother's dead body and watched his sister-in-law die in his medbay a few hours later. Therefore, Kirk was the one who brought him home for the funeral.

If Kirk had to say anything about the incident, it was a feeling of indifference. Sam had left when he was a kid, leaving him with his abusive uncle, Frank, and had not seen or spoken to him since. However, it would have been strange if he hadn't show up for the funeral, so he did. He felt bad for his nephew, but he would live with his mother, Winona, now retired and would be taken care of.

Bones was kind enough to join him in a show of emotional support because even though Jim felt nothing for his brother's death, there were other things that weighed him down.

"The eulogy you delivered was nice," Bones commented, ordering himself some more whiskey.

"After delivering so many, its easy." The bartender slid the glass to Bones, but Jim intercepted it, drinking it in one swing. "Could it be I'm cursed? We're at peace, yet I've lost so many people."

Bones frowned at Jim stealing his glass and promptly ordered another one. "Chalk it up to bad luck. If it weren't for you, we'd all be dead multiple times over." He sighed, taking a long drink from his new glass. "Who would have guessed the snot-nosed brat I got saddled with would be the galaxy's hero several times over?"

"Yeah," Kirk smiled half-heartedly. "Who would have thought?" He went quiet, looking into his glass as if it held all the answers.

"Still thinking about the green blooded bastard?"

"Don't know what you're talking about, Bones. I'm happy that they ended up back together even though I didn't know they were separated in the first place. Obviously, they're meant to be together when every time their relationship is tested there's some harrowing circumstances that pops up and keeps them together."

He may have let too much slip and overdone it. Even Bones was looking at him like he had lost his mind. "I don't even know how to respond to that," he said pushing his glass over for Jim to take. "That was years' worth of frustration if I ever heard one."

Jim didn't even hesitate, he grabbed the glass and downed it too. His mind was fuzzy, and his body warm. He should stop here in case he was called in, but the temptation won out, and he ordered another drink. "Sorry," he sighed. "It's just, as much as he's done for me and I've done for him, you'd think he'd realize that I… that we… well they were already dating before I even met him. I guess I lost before it even started."

"I still don't get what you see in him, but it ain't healthy to keep pining over a taken guy."

"I know. I know. I was thinking of transferring him but…"

"You can't do it without him."

Jim nodded, feeling even more pathetic. "I'm captain. It can't be helped. Relationships for the upper ranks don't tend to last long anyway, and I was never one for serious relationships." He smiled, trying to make himself feel better. Jim had nothing. His family was either dead or had been gone from his life for so long he didn't know them. Jim couldn't obtain and keep a stable relationship. Jim couldn't act mature enough to get through a serious conversation. Captain Kirk was the one with the ship, with the prestige, and valor. It was best to forget about Spock and move on already. Maybe it was time to finally let Spock go and let him be promoted. He had more than earned his own ship at this point. Captains had gotten their ships for much less.

Bones placed a friendly hand on his shoulder, patting it sympathetically. "You'll find someone kid. Don't give up hope."

"It's fine. Forget I said anything." His communicator beeped, signaling a message waiting for him. He sighed, opening it. "I should head out before the last shuttle leaves. There's still some paperwork from Deneva that needs to be done."

"I'll go with ya," Bones finished his own drink and stopped Kirk from pulling out his card. "Drinks are on me this time."

Sometimes, he could just kiss Bones. "Thanks."

Paying for their drinks, they stepped outside the bar and went to the station. The last shuttle to San Francisco was just about to leave. They made it to the headquarters within the time it took for Jim to start dozing off, on the brink of sleep.

With all the stress from his job, Kirk had been tired constantly. He loved his job, but it seemed like every mission ended with someone dead. It was why he often went himself instead of sending a security or science officer. It seemed he was destined to live through improbable situations while everyone else dies.

Bones thankfully, woke him up as they landed, and all Kirk could think of was how he needed to get home and relieve himself. He was staying in the dormitory at Starfleet Headquarters, so once they landed, they went their separate ways. They still had two days, and Bones wanted to spend time with his daughter if he could.

This left Kirk alone to stumble through security, flashing a grin at the security officer who recognized him and let him in. With his disheveled state, it was a wonder he was allowed in. He probably didn't look as professional as he should. He could barely walk straight, the alcohol and fatigue working together in tandem.

He just wanted to go into his room and sleep. He didn't want to see anyone. Didn't want to talk to anyone. Maybe he'd drink a bottle of Jack before hitting the hay. He had a detox hypo by his bed anyway. Dragging his feet, he saw the door to his room. He was almost there. A few more feet.

That was when Spock left the room across from his. Except that wasn't Spock's room because Spock's was on the floor below his. It was Uhura's.

Kirk's heart squeezed unpleasantly at the knowledge that there was only one reason why a man would leave a woman's room so late at night, but he smiled as he always did because there was no way for Kirk to avoid Spock when he was only a few feet away.

"Captain, you have returned already?"

"Nice to see you too Spock. I'm so happy you're glad to see me." Kirk said it playfully, but he didn't feel an ounce of playfulness in his entire body. He felt sick, and it had nothing to do with the alcohol.

"I had just assumed you would be in your home town dealing with family matters until tomorrow."

"Yeah, well, it was a bit awkward to stay afterwards, so I decided to come back. How about you? What's keeping you up so late at night?"

Really, he was a masochist. Why else would he ask when he knew the answer was something he didn't want to hear.

"I had come to talk to Nyota."

"Oh?" Kirk asked, feeling hope he knew should be squashed before Spock could do it for him, yet he still held out hope like a neck over a chopping board. "What about?"

Spock took a couple of steps towards him, and Kirk held his breath. Could it possibly be?

"I asked Nyota to marry me."

It was a punch to his gut and so much worse than he originally had thought. "Oh?" his voice cracked. He cleared his throat. "Oh, what did she say?"

"She agreed."

Of course, she did. Why wouldn't she? Spock was clueless at times, but he was a catch. Even he thought so. "Congratulations." He tried to think of a witty retort, but none came. It felt like his world was cracking, and ironically, without his usual snide remarks, it sounded like his congratulations was sincere.

"Yes, I was very fortunate for her to agree. As you are my friend, I have a favor to ask of you."

Please god no. Don't ask.

"As you are also my captain," Spock continued. "I wanted to inquire if you would officiate us for the human ceremony."

And Jim thought being asked to be the best man was bad. No, that would be letting him off easy. Officiating was way worse. If Spock had asked to shoot himself instead, he would have gladly have chosen that option in its place.

"Of course, Spock. You don't even need to ask." Really, he really shouldn't have asked, but he could rarely say no to Spock, and Spock looked… happy. How could he say no?

"Thank you, Jim."

"Glad to be of help, but you know it's late, and I really could use some sleep."

"My apologies for keeping you then, Captain. Have a restful sleep period."

"Thanks."

Spock walked past him presumably to head back to his room, but Kirk was frozen at his door, listening to Spock walk away. He should just go into his room and sleep instead of listening to the love of his life walk away.

But he didn't want to go into his room now. He didn't want that to be the last thing he thought of going to sleep.

Perhaps it was luck or fate, but he wasn't the only one coming home late tonight. Two girls, officers, clearly drunk, got off the elevator. A distraction was always nearby when he needed it, no matter how destructive it could be.

Dropping his hand from the door handle, he turned on his best smile to them. "Good evening, ladies. Free tonight?"


	2. Chapter 2

The klaxon alarm sounded, waking Kirk from sleep. His precious sleep was once again interrupted by the call of duty and effectively cutting his shore leave short. Clamoring over the two women he had slept with the night before; he was out of bed getting dressed long before the other two did the same. The frequency of his nights ruined by that alarm was way too high. He expected it to go off every other shore leave. He exaggerated the number, yet it still felt often enough to warrant the hyperbole. His ship had seen the most action and unusual encounters in the fleet. His ship was the go-to for the strange and abnormal and even normal confrontations. The consequence of being in deep space and going where no one else has yet been.

Out the door and through the corridor, he was still putting on his shirt when he reached the elevator that would take him to the shuttle that would take him to his ship. Uhura ran out at the same time as well. Putting her hair in her ponytail at the same time.

Catching sight of her was an unpleasant reminder of why he was nursing a headache that morning. Walking briskly but calmly, also used to be awakened in the middle of the night, Uhura entered the elevator, flashing that necklace Spock had given her around her neck. Maybe he should tell her how it was radioactive or pull rank and tell her it was unsuitable in uniform.

That pettiness festered and lingered behind his polite smile he shot her when she greeted him with a "good morning."

"Another day, another shore leave cut short, huh Lieutenant," Kirk said.

"Seriously, for once I'd like to just enjoy myself without the fate of something being on the line," she replied with only the tiniest hint of annoyance at how this shore leave turned out. "They really don't pay us enough for the stress they put us through."

"Well we didn't join for the pay, but I wouldn't argue a pay increase either," he joked. Jim couldn't hide his own displeasure, but it came across as if it was because of the disrupted shore leave than his displeasure at her. He hated himself for having antagonistic feelings toward a coworker and friend. Nyota was good to him, humored him, supported him, and gone through a lot for and with him. Kirk valued her skills, determination, and badassery when he needed them, and she was a very valued member of his crew. Jim, however, couldn't help but stew over the years as his jealousy grew in proportion to his stronger and stronger feelings towards Spock. Feelings he had to squash. It was easier done acting as captain, not so much when they were alone together. And now that she had Spock for good and he was the one to do the ceremony, it was unbearable.

She sent him a smirk. "I don't think you get to complain about salary, __Captain __."

Kirk shrugged as they reached their floor. The doors opened, revealing Spock waiting for him. Jim's eyes locked onto him. Spock's dark eyes were focused on him with a PADD in his hands with no doubt the details of what was going on.

Between waking and this moment, barely 3 minutes had passed. While Kirk was put together, he had only done it by forgetting everything about last night. Jim, on the other hand, was still a mess, and seeing Spock there had his knees go weak.

He kept his legs from shaking, kept his professional smile, and forced himself to breathe rather than give in to the chest crushing force of bitter disappointment and pain. "I'll see you on the shuttle, Uhura," he dismissed her with ease.

She nodded, sharing a smile with Spock, love and happiness in her eyes. Spock's eyes softened at her. It was almost the same as the way Spock looked at him. Almost. He had liked to think it meant something, but now, he knew better. It was a thin line, the difference between friendship and love. He was Spock's friend. Nothing more.

"Let me have the details, Commander," Kirk asked, stepping off.

Spock came to his side as always, taking his spot just to the right and behind his captain as they headed to toward the shuttle. "The Yorzovens have sent out a planetary distress beacon with a message saying there is a rogue ship heading towards Earth from one of their rebel factions. By the time the distress was received, the reportedly rogue ship had already passed our defenses. An attack on Earth is likely."

"Do you know where they plan to attack?" Kirk asked, keeping a brisk pace. Around them, several officers were running to stations, getting orders, and finding out what was going on. Despite the running around, it was a controlled chaos with even cadets helping out. It really reminded him of his first adventure into space to help Vulcan. He frowned at the comparison. That mission had not ended well after all.

"The targets with the highest probability of an attack is Starfleet Headquarters, the moon colony, and Earth Spacedock. Various other Starfleet locations also have a high percentage, but it will likely be the secondary attack as the former would have a larger impact on operations and intelligence." Spock delivered the information without once looking down at the PADD, easily speaking through the commotion around them.

Kirk nodded, heading into the hanger, already formulating a plan on how to handle the situation. So far, the mission was important but standard. It wasn't like his five-year mission where he would be up against legendary Greek gods, all-knowing incorporeal beings, or a doomsday machine. He was thankful for small miracles. He couldn't say he was feeling at the top of his game to think outside the unconventional box.

"I take it we're to await orders to find out more information," Kirk guessed as the captains would need to be told where to go and how they were going to coordinate.

"That is correct, Captain," Spock agreed.

"Well then, Mr. Spock, let's get through this quickly so we can get back to shore leave." Kirk flashed a professional smile at Spock. All his energy was on not thinking further on what those plans could be. Any further thought would only distract him from the mission at hand. Jim would have to be pushed aside for Captain Kirk to be able to be in optimal condition. Over the years, it had become quite easy to do, but there were side effects.

Spock stopped outside the shuttle, looking at Jim with concern in those big brown eyes. "Captain, I may be overstepping my boundaries, especially given the pertinence of the situation, but are you feeling alright? You have just suffered the loss a family member and you seem… off, if I may borrow the human vernacular."

Kirk's professional façade cracked. He kept the smile, but he hesitated on answering. A beat or two too late not to go passed Spock. They had been friends for a long time now, and Spock knew his habits as well as Jim knew his. "What, trying to make a claim for the captain's seat, Spock? You could just ask if you want a promotion." Kirk deflected with humor, slapping Spock's shoulder. "Come on. We have places to be."

"Jim," the simple use of his name from Spock's lips, sent a shiver down Jim's spine. He used to love when Spock called his name, and it took years to get Spock to use it comfortably, but lately, it had been just painful to hear. "While I may not be your confidant like Dr. McCoy, if you need to talk, I will listen. Although I cannot guarantee I will be of any help, I have come to understand that sometimes, Humans need to simply speak about their feelings to feel 'better'."

Kirk's smile became strained. He wanted to take Spock on that offer, but it would be inappropriate. He couldn't impose his feelings onto Spock after being told they were getting married. "I don't know what you're talking about Spock. Com'on, we need to get going."

Spock didn't look convinced. The gears in his head were turning to try another strategy when Kirk caught movement in the corner of his eyes.

Eyes widening, Kirk jumped off the stairs to the shuttle he had started climbing, tackling Spock to the ground just as an explosion went off.

The area was swallowed in flames, scorching Kirk's back, however, majority of the blast was blocked by the control panel they had fallen behind. It didn't mean Kirk and several others who had been near the explosion weren't willing to move despite their injuries. Spock appeared out cold for the time being, having hit his head on the ground from the sudden tackle.

Kirk lifted his head. He heard phaser fire all around him. The explosion must have been of a small scale as a battle had erupted and he was still alive, but there were injured people all around them. He was sluggish in responding because of his injuries. Most people in the hangar did not have weapons, making them easy targets. He had to get hold of something to protect himself and Spock.

In severe pain, Kirk tried to stand only to get hit from behind. He collapsed onto the ground beside Spock, disoriented, but not quite out. The spinning made him nauseous, his stomach rolling violently as he vomited.

Still, he kept trying to pull himself with his arms, trying to move further away from Spock. He turned his head to see his attacker only to be struck again, rolling onto his back. His ears were ringing, and the disorientation intensified to where he was losing the ability to see or even comprehend what was going on. His nose was broken for sure and something wet was trailing down his face. Just as he was losing consciousness, he saw a glimpse of something glowing a rusty red color in the center of the attacker's chest when was struck again, knocking him out cold.

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_**Please comment. It helps me grow as a writer and keeps me writing. Any little comment helps, especially for stories without many views.**_


	3. Chapter 3

Death was something Kirk thought about a lot. He was always so close to it, but always never quite crossing that border. His head was throbbing and in immense pain, but was sluggish from whatever drugs he was on, instantly telling him he was in a hospital. The sound of a heartbeat monitor registered next as his consciousness came floating back little by little. With every beat, his last memories before blacking out came to him.

Explosion. Fire. Phaser fire. Attacker.

He had been knocked out, and that was the last thing he could remember. Slowly, his eyes fluttered open, ensuring he was in a hospital and not held hostage in some unknown ship. That had happened a few more time than he would care to admit.

He blinked several times as his vision tried to focus. While he did so, he heard footsteps come to his bedside at a brisk pace. When he finally managed to see something and register it properly, it was Spock, standing over his bed, concern and relief in those deep brown eyes.

Jim smiled reflexively, seeing that face above him. Every time he ended up in sickbay or the hospital, he would awake with Spock in his room, like the Vulcan knew when he would wake and made it a point to be the first thing Jim saw when he opened his eyes. "Spock," he said warmly, forgetting where he was and letting his true emotions slip.

"Jim," he replied, but he took a step back from the bed and raised an eyebrow disapprovingly. "You had Dr. McCoy worried. He said you had sustained a cranial fracture and severe brain hemorrhaging. If I had not awoken to fend off your attacker, you would have died."

Spock's behavior brought Jim back down to reality as he fought through the drugs. Spock wasn't an angel or loving boyfriend by his bedside, he was just a concerned friend.

Kirk wiped the ridiculous smile from his lips and focused on the pain in his head to crush his feelings towards Spock, burying them deep into his subconscious until he could continue on without giving himself away. "How long was I out?"

"A week. The Yorzovian rebels were quelled quite quickly after the initial attack; however, there were 50 casualties. 7 other Starfleet members remain in critical condition."

"I see," Kirk closed his eyes, letting his brain shut off for the time being. The light was making his headache worse, intensifying it to an unbearable degree. With his eyes closed, his senses focused on his surroundings, namely Spock. He could hear the way Spock shifted, how he breathed, how he typed on his PADD. Jim could clearly imagine how Spock was moving, what he was thinking, what he was going to do.

How painful it was.

"Shouldn't you be with Uhura. You're getting married soon." Kirk asked.

"Nyota and I do not need to be together to understand that there is indeed affection between us. She understands that I am needed here." Spock answered flawlessly.

Spock really didn't understand women or humans, Jim thought. "I'm awake now, Spock. There's no need to play babysitter. I'll wait for Bones. I promise," Kirk replied. He opened his eyes and gave him a wink. "Go spend some time with her. I'm sure she misses you."

Spock hesitated, analyzing Kirk and seeing if he would truly sit still as promised.

Kirk raised an eyebrow, raising the remote in his bed and pushed the call button. "Better?" he said challenging him.

Seemingly satisfied, Spock said, "I will await your discharge then, Captain," and with that, he was gone like he was never there.

He wanted Spock to stay, but it was unhealthy to keep indulging in these feelings any longer. He needed to keep pushing Spock away—keep that distance between them professional now. He needed distance.

McCoy came rushing into the room as if he was a bat out of hell, eyes falling onto the newly conscious Kirk immediately. His eyes widened slightly, then a big smile warmed his face at seeing his friend. "Goddammit, Jim. You gave me a heart attack. Thought we were going to lose you again." His voice was loud and rough, lacking any normal bedside manner a doctor should have, but it was like a security blanket draping over Kirk.

"Sorry, Bones," he said weakly. Turning his head was a mistake. Pain radiated through his skull as if someone had taken a sledgehammer to it. It was so bad, he just wanted to die. His breathing hitched and tears were in the corner of his eyes until relief spread through him at the hypo Bones put to his neck, the new set of pain killers working instantly, and reigning back the pain to more tolerable levels, letting Kirk breathe once more.

"You still have a head injury, Jim, try not to move your head too much. "

"Noted," he responded tightly. His body was still wound tight from the pain he had just endured, his muscles refusing to relax. "Did you know Spock was here?" his voice was breathy, but he opened his eyes to see Bones' face.

Bones had a look of discomfort, avoiding Kirk's eyes. "Yeah. It's rare when he isn't." Sighing, he met Jim's eyes. "Don't get any ideas, Jim. You know how much Spock treasures you as a friend."

"I know," Kirk said. "Don't worry. I'm getting over it. Slowly but surely. After all, he's getting married."

At hearing the news, Bones was surprised, as he should be, and he gave Jim a look of empathy, no pity. He didn't need that, not from Bones. "I'm sorry to hear that, kid."

Kirk forced a laugh, hitting the doctor's arm weakly. "Don't be. I can finally move on now. He's happy. That's all I care about."

That look of pity didn't leave Bones' face, it was getting harder to fake being okay about it the longer Bones stared. Eventually, Kirk's vitals drew the doctor's attention away first. "Your brain is still showing a bit scrambled from the trauma, so bear with me as we do a few tests."

With a nod from Kirk, McCoy started the tests. He made sure Kirk wasn't paralyzed, was able to follow the pen in his hand, and the other routine checks. Any distraction was fine with Kirk, missing a week would result in a lot of paperwork. He'd have to see if any of his crew was amongst the casualties. He'd have to look into Spock's promotion. Then there was the ceremony for the deaths that would no doubt take place in a few days. Yeah, lots of things he had to do once he was out of the hospital.

Bones was just finishing up when someone knocked on the door and let themselves in. It was an alien woman; one Jim had never seen before. She had scales like a fish, that shimmered in the light, making them shine and change colors at different angles. Her body was inhumanely thin and her limbs were long and lengthy, appearing ever so fragile. She had no eyes. The place where eyes would have been was smooth, she had slits for a nose. And there was only a tuft of hair that was silver and looked to have been combed back. Her garments were refined, obviously made of something high quality that shimmered just like her scales though it was pearl white in color.

Her walking was odd. It was jittery and twitchy with many small but sharp consecutive movements, reminding Kirk of a bird. "Mr. Kirk," she said. He voice was rough, but not unpleasant to listen to. It sounded as if she just needed a glass of water. "I am glad to see you are well. The moment I heard you were conscious; I could not stop myself from coming to see you for myself."

"I'm sorry, who are you?" Bones took the role of overprotective dad, already moving to block Kirk from the woman's view.

"Forgive me." She stopped her approach and gave a small curtsey. "I am the representative of the Yorzovian government. I came to offer my apologies personally to you for the harm that has befallen you and your city. It was our short-sightedness that has led to this tragedy, and nothing we say can fix this problem."

"Bones, it's alright." Kirk waved him down, already slipping into diplomat mode despite the fatigue clawing to drag him back into the sweet embraces of sleep.

McCoy scowled at him for working but did step aside to let the woman through, though he watched them like a hawk as he continued his work of checking his captain's scans and blood work.

The woman approached the bed. Without eyes, it was difficult to tell what she was thinking. Kirk knew little about Yorzovians as they were new additions to the Federation, not even a month old yet. He had heard of them and read up on the briefing given to him, but it didn't explain body language or go into details about customs or anything relevant for this encounter to have an upper edge. "What can I do for you, Madam Dignitary."

"Absolutely nothing, Captain. You see, it was because of you that our people had decided to join the Federation. We have heard of your exploits and adventures. To us, you are like the swashbuckling heroes from your old Earth tales. In an era of civil war and grief, your stories gave hope and enabled us to overthrow the old regime. To hear it was our rebels who nearly ended that heroes life on his way to help us, our government could not sit still. We had to come offer any help we could and give our sincerest apologies."

Her entire speech she had kept her head low to show her respect, and the display made even Kirk blush a bit. To think he meant so much to a society he had barely heard of. He had been mistaken for a god, a demon, and many other things in the past, but this seemed more meaningful. His existence had made a society better, and he didn't have to break the prime directive or get involved to do so. "It was not your planet's fault. Changes in government can be a difficult process, and there will always be people who oppose it," Kirk responded flawlessly.

Her scales seemed to flutter as if happy that he had taken the news so well, and she tilted her head back and forth. "It is a pleasure to hear you be so kind and understanding, Captain." In the corner of Kirk's eye, he could see McCoy rolling his eyes hard. "Still, my people wanted to present you with a gift."

She removed a necklace from around her neck. It was a dark purplish-black stone in the middle of a jagged gray rock. The strand was nothing but simple rolled seaweed. She cradled the stone in her hands with all the gentleness and care of an infant as she presented it to Kirk. "This stone houses one of our gods. He protects us from harm. We wish for you to have it."

"Really, that isn't necessary," he quickly and politely declined. The last thing he needed was another gift, especially one that was so important to another culture but essentially useless to him. "It's too much of a gift when I haven't done anything directly for your people."

"Please Captain, this means more to use than anything else in the world. We would not be able to forgive ourselves without doing at least this much," the sincerity of her words made it hard to refuse, and he looked to Bones for help.

"The Captain humbly accepts your gift," Bones stepped in, placing his PADD under his arm and holding out both hands. "I'll take care of it for him until he is able to leave the hospital bed."

"Right, of course. Your body must still be in pain. Forgive my thoughtlessness," she apologized, clearly flustered as her twitching increased, but she didn't hand it over to McCoy just yet, having reservation about handing off the object to someone else other than her intended target.

"You can trust Dr. McCoy. Not only is he my CMO, he's a very trustworthy friend of mine," Kirk assured her. He watched as she carefully handed the rock off to McCoy, sighing internally at what was essentially going to be his paperweight. This had to be his 7th, 8th sacred object he had received as a gift. He was running out of room on his shelves for these diplomatic gifts.

"If you don't mind, Miss Dignitary, the captain needs his rest."

"Yes, my apologies for disrupting your healing process. Fare well, Captain," she said with another small bow.

Bones could really be a gentleman when he wanted too, and he saw her out of the room. Once gone, he rolled his eyes again, shooting Kirk a look. "I really don't see what they see in you. You'd think you were their king or something with that display." Despite saying that, McCoy still placed the stone o Kirk's bedside with care rather than just tossing it down. The man was a giant teddy bear in a gruff exterior if Kirk had ever seen one.

"What can I say, I'm the universe's most desirable man." He waggled his eyebrows, causing McCoy to huff.

"Sure you are. Just proof the universe has gone mad if you asked me."

Bones scribbled something down, his stylus flying over his PADD. "You know the drill by now. We should be able to discharge you in a week, but you'll need to take it slowly for at least a month. Since the Enterprise is scheduled to leave in two weeks, we'll assign a yeoman to help assist with your duties once cleared for duty. Try to take your psych exam on time this time, Jim. I have better things to do than track you down every time you go through what's considered a possible traumatic event. Everyone else gets theirs done on time."

"I got it Bones. I'll be perfectly well behaved," he even gave the good doctor an innocent smile which further put doubt into the doctor's mind.

"Sure you will. Try to get some rest at least." McCoy finished updating Kirk's charts and prepared to leave to finish his rounds.

Kirk watched his friend walk to the door, seeing his back from that bed getting smaller. "Hey Bones," he called out just before McCoy fully left the room. The doctor looked back at him expectedly. McCoy really was a good friend. "If you see Spock heading back here, could you—"

"I'll make sure he doesn't," he promised. The pity seeped back into his eyes, and Kirk wanted to look away from it.

Instead, Kirk just kept that fake smile that was becoming easier to do by the day. The more he squashed Jim, the easier it was to keep being captain. "Thanks. I owe ya."


	4. Chapter 4

**_Hey guys. I'm writing a shorter _****_chapter to try to update more often, so sorry about that. Also, I opened a for that original story I've been talking about for ages. I don't have money to have it professionally edited, so I opened it there. For those who have inquired about the story before, please check it out there. I'm social media inept, so I could use the help in promoting. The user name is Sakura Minamino on that site._**

**_As for my Star Trek stories, I haven't abandoned any of them. Just been busy. In a lot of pain this semester too. My back is killing me and getting it checked out is expensive. It puts a damper on my quidditch playing... don't judge me. Enjoy._**

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Kirk stared at his reflection in the mirror. Freshly cut hair, clean and pressed uniform, shined shoes, he looked every ounce a captain as he should. No one would think he was just out of the hospital. The past week had been filled with McCoy's mothering, paperwork, and horrible food.

Honestly, the paperwork wasn't too bad. It kept his mind occupied and delayed the inevitable, facing the fact that at some point, he would have to marry Spock. Yes, paperwork was much more preferable to that reality, but not a reality he could avoid forever.

Case in point, Kirk spotted Spock in the mirror before the Vulcan could even make himself known. A bit of a surprise since he hadn't seen him all week, and Kirk had yet to officially be checked out of the hospital until McCoy came back one last time. "Come to see me out, Spock?" Kirk joked.

"I was… concerned. Doctor McCoy has been incessantly insisting that you needed your rest due to your cranial injury. I was beginning to suspect that perhaps your injuries were far more severe than I was led to believe. "

Good old McCoy. He did well in keeping Spock away. Spock appeared a little earlier than expected, but he had been expected, so Kirk was ready to deal with him. "You know how Bones is. He exaggerates everything. Can't say the break wasn't welcomed. I've been lacking sleep."

Kirk hadn't quite noticed how tense Spock was until his shoulders relaxed at his statement. "You have been working 21.6% more often than usual the past 374 days with your shore leave interrupted 43.7% of the time."

"Exactly. See you get it." Kirk turned to face him. "All I needed was some good nights' sleep." A few light steps, he placed his hand on Spock's shoulder. "Come on. You can walk me out."

Spock tilted his head in acceptance. "Of course, Captain."

Jim almost corrected him and encouraged Spock to use his first name. He stopped himself just in time. It was the perfect chance to start to build distance between them. It would make what he had to do easier.

Kirk tilted his head towards the door, taking the lead. Spock fell in line a half a step behind him. "I heard you've done an exemplary job covering my seat while I was gone, Spock."

"The crew was suffering low morale after the attack with your absence. I thought it best to keep them busy while they waited for your return."

Kirk nodded. "A good choice. I'm sure they were disappointed with their canceled shore-leave too. Maybe we could hold an event before our next mission. I know a bar that we could rent out. Might be hard to organize on such short notice though," Kirk mumbled the last part.

"Captain."

"It might be a good chance to officiate your marriage too while things are still quiet. If you and Uhura are okay with it. I'm sure you've already put in the necessary paperwork with Starfleet by now."

"Captain."

"You've been dating for over 6 years now. Knowing Nyota she's probably tired of waiting. Then again, she's always been irrational when it came to you."

"Jim." Spock stopped in his tracks, staring at Kirk with an expression he had never seen before.

Kirk stopped instinctually, turning to face Spock fully. Why was Spock looking at him like that? The pain inside that Kirk was intent to hide reacted to that look, and he did not even know what it meant.

"Jim, have I done something to upset you?" Spock asked.

The question took Kirk aback, unsure of how to answer or act. His mouth moved without a sound a couple times. Then he smiled and said, "What are you talking about, Spock? Why would I be mad at you?"

Spock stood silently, just staring into Jim's eyes unblinking. The intensity made Kirk want to wither away until he could no longer be seen. "Mr. Scott, Mr. Chekov, and Mr. Sulu were all allowed to visit you on multiple occasions. I was the only one Dr. McCoy choose to ward off with implications about the severity of your health."

"Well, you know how Bones is. He probably thought you would give me work to do," Kirk deflected, laughing it off, but he did not look directly into Spock's eyes as he tried to continue walking.

"I have also noticed that you have been avoiding my company increasingly over the past 374 days, corresponding with your sudden interest in performing excess work in your spare time," Spock continued.

"I've just been swamped with work. You know how it is. If I'm going to make admiral one day—"

"Jim." The simple use of his name silenced Kirk. There was almost a pleading in how Spock said his name as if silently asking him to stop talking and listen. "I saw the request you put in for my promotion."

Spock sounded confused and hurt. Would Uhura have noticed that in his tone? In his expression? Jim could. He always could. The things Spock showed and didn't show told Jim so many things about what Spock was thinking and feeling. That's why they worked so well together, even without words.

"Jim, if I have done something wrong to upset you—"

"Only you would be think getting a promotion is a punishment." Using his charismatic personality, he again deflected with a chuckle and an amused smile. "You're the hero of Starfleet as much as I am. You have been a commander for nearly 7 years. You have almost as many commendations as me, and you are more than ready. I would know. You've filled in for me more than a few times." With a more sincere voice, he added, "With you getting married, I thought it would be a nice wedding gift. You deserve a ship, Spock."

"And I have no ambition to become a captain," Spock argued back.

Kirk was taken back by Spock's sudden raised voice from Spock. It wasn't a yell, but there was definitely insistence in his tone.

Softer, Spock said, "Jim, we have been friends for 5.36 years. I cannot say I am an expert in understanding human emotionalisms; however, I do know when you are lying and when you are upset, and I cannot help but notice that you are not happy. I have tried asking the doctor, but he will not answer, so I am asking you. As your friend, I am asking you. Have I done something to upset you?"

No. That was cheating. Spock couldn't act like that. Like he cared. Like he wanted to stay by his side. Spock. It made letting go even more difficult. He was pushing away with all his might and Spock was resisting it. He wanted to let Spock go with a promotion, but he may have to settle for a forced transfer.

"You've done nothing wrong, Spock," his voice cracked, just for a second, vulnerability seeping into his voice that brief slip up. "I just wanted to give you a promotion. You can reject it if you want. It's your choice." Kirk turned his back on him again, unable to look at him any longer but played it as just wanting to get going. "Come on, I want to get out of here before Bones sees that I'm gone." Once his face was out of Spock's view, his expression fell.

Why did Spock have to ruin his plans? His way, he could keep his promise to Spock and separate himself from him as quickly as possible, but that wasn't in Spock's plans.

Bones was waiting for him at the reception desk near the entrance with a scowl on his face, probably upset with Jim leaving his room before he was allowed, but given that he was here waiting, insinuated that he knew Jim would do it. The doctor's eyes did quickly flick over to Spock who was following behind him. His expression changed marginally, one with concern, but even Bones knew when not to talk and act natural.

"Jim, what'd I say about leaving before I let you," Bones scolded.

"I just didn't feel like being rolled out today. Let me have at least some dignity."

Bones looked like he was going to have an aneurism. "Cranial fracture and hemorrhaging. Do those words mean nothing to you?"

"I feel fine," Kirk waved him off.

The sheer frustration and annoyance on Bones' face did make him want to laugh, but he did feel some regret that he was causing Bones some grief. He wasn't a sadist. He just had a hard time sitting still. To his credit, he did listen to Bones during his stay until now. His head had been pounding nonstop for most of it, and staying in bed, sleeping had helped immensely.

"Of course, you feel fine, you're still on the medication I gave you," Bones huffed. Despite his words, it didn't appear that he was going to put up too much of a fight. If Bones had wanted too, he could call rank. He rarely did, only when Kirk was being a real pain in the ass and stubborn. Over the years, Kirk had been more compliant as he settled more into his role as captain, knowing his and his crew's limits. Part of growing up he supposed.

Bones shook his head, letting it past. He was getting too old for this. "Yeoman Janice Rand has been assigned to you to help you with your menial duties for the next couple weeks. You're also assigned to __light__ duty. That means no working overtime, no excessive exercise, 8 hours of sleep, a healthy diet, and absolutely no going on landing parties if it is not crucial for you to be there."

Kirk cringed. "Want me to stop living too while I'm at it?"

"Jim," Bones growled.

"Do not worry, Doctor. I will ensure that the captain follows your orders and assist in his duties to lighten his load," Spock spoke up.

McCoy's eyes shifted nervously to Spock and Kirk's back tensed.

"No need. If you're there, Jim'll just work harder. You know how competitive he is." It was a smooth lie. Kirk could barely tell McCoy was covering for him; however, the initial nervous look before he had spoken gave him away.

Kirk didn't know what Spock was thinking. He didn't give any signs that he thought something was off, but he was the most acute at the most unexpected things. Maybe Uhura was rubbing off on him.

Spock didn't say anything in the end, and Kirk happily signed the paperwork to get himself discharged. Stepping outside, he breathed in the fresh air. He did miss Earth at times. Not often, but enough to occasionally get the urge to come back and just bask in the sunlight and want to visit Iowa. Not for his family, but for the wheat fields he would run through, the long stretches of dirt road he would drive down at high speeds on his bike, and the people who knew him as just Jim and didn't swarm him. After so many years and bad memories, there were still a few things that kept him from never looking back.

"Do you wish to return to your hometown for a few days before you have to report in? You did just suffer a loss," Spock asked.

Spock had changed over the years as well. He was more aware of when not to use precise measurements when talking about sensitive topics, though Spock was sometimes clueless on what counted as sensitive. He was also more conscientious about people's feelings, though it was mostly shown in moments like this, where they were alone, and Jim's mind was filled with heavy thoughts. Why was he here instead of with Uhura?

"Don't worry about it, Mr. Spock. My brother and I were barely family. He never cared much for me, and I hadn't thought about him in years. If I'm honest, his death was nothing more than me burying a stranger who kind of looked like me. Not much to think about," he gave Spock a self-deprecating smile. "I'm pretty horrible, right? Saying that about my own brother?" And saying it to someone who would do a lot to get his own family back. Spock loved his family while Jim resented his.

"You are far from 'horrible' as you say. A starship, after all, runs on loyalty under one man. If you were as horrible as you say, I would not be standing here, proud to serve aboard the __Enterprise__."

Did Spock even know what he was saying? Jim looked away, a flurry of emotions fighting under the surface. His heart that warmed at Spock had said, his anger that Spock meant that as a loyal friend and subordinate, his heartache at knowing Spock meant nothing by it, and the worry that he may not be able to keep his mouth shut concerning his feelings.

He fell onto his default, teasing Spock. "Pride, Spock? You really are becoming more human every day."

Spock tiled his eyebrow. "I hardly find it in within your prerogative to insult me, Captain."

"Sorry." It did, however, break the vicious cycle of Jim's negative thinking and put a little emotional distance between them. "I'm going to report in and meet the Yeoman in charge of me. You can go back ahead of me."

"If I may, Captain. I would prefer to walk you to your destination and ensure you arrive safely."

Kirk tried not to let his smile turn bitter or overthink Spock's words. "That worried about me, huh? I'm touched." He said jokingly. More sincerely he added, "Seriously, Spock, you just got engaged. You should be planning your wedding with Uhura and stop worrying about me."

Spock hesitated, unsure of what to say or how to respond.

"Go on. I'll see you tomorrow."

With a bit more hesitation on Spock's behalf, he finally left. Kirk watched him go with a big smile until he was no longer in view. Then the smile dropped. He really didn't know how much longer he could pretend to be fine around Spock. Would he have to force a transfer if Spock refused the promotion? Spock probably wouldn't forgive him if he did that.

Sighing heavily, he ran his fingers through his hair, noting he needed to get it cut soon to keep it within regulation. First check-in and then worry about Spock, he told himself. With a plan in place, he left the hospital. The sooner he could get back to work, the sooner he could clear his head and stop thinking about Spock.


End file.
